Monday, 27 September 2010

Jokes still allowed at Barnet Council

With the news today that Barnet council have banned mother-in-law jokes, I feel I should point that Barnet is far from being some sort of humourless place as it is often portrayed in some sections of the media.

Indeed, some jokes are positively encouraged at Barnet.

Take the recent leadership contest. Without doubt they were just fooling around in staging a leadership contest where some young upstart nearly takes the crown from such an established councillor. We were never really going to believe that of course - but it shows that humour is alive and well at Barnet. And what about the deep irony implicit in the massive pay hike joke voted through by Coleman's Conservatives. As if anyone could really be that greedy? How we split our sides. And of course there's the long-running and much-loved comedy partnership of Brian Coleman playing the straight man to Robert Rams' buffoonery that keeps us laughing all the way to the polling booths.

So now, in tribute to Barnet Council's comedy genius, and in line with the new policy of the outlawing of mother-in-law jokes, I'd like to present to you a selection of Brian Coleman jokes that I stole adapted from
the Sun newspaper's joke page. NB - that link is NSFW if you work for Barnet council - but these, on the other hand, are perfectly acceptable:

LAST week my wife and I went to buy a car and the salesman asked if I wanted an airbag. I said: “No thanks. I already have a Brian Coleman.”

WHAT’S the difference between Brian Coleman and a vulture?
The vulture waits until you’re dead before it eats your heart out.

I TOOK Brian Coleman to Madame Tussaud’s chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said: “Keep her moving sir, we’re stocktaking.”

DID you hear about the man who threw Brian Coleman into the lion’s den at the zoo?
He’s being sued by the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.

WHY did Brian Coleman cross the road?
I don’t know, but it was an ugly sight.

WHAT are the two worst things about Brian Coleman?
His faces.

I HAVEN’T spoken to Brian Coleman for 18 months ? I don’t like to interrupt him.

I ALWAYS know when it’s Brian Coleman knocking at the door ? the mice throw themselves in the traps.

Brian Coleman and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met

Friday, 24 September 2010

Brian Coleman's Freudian projection

Hot on the heels of the enormous fiasco over the Tories voting themselves a massive pay-rise (a proposal viciously whipped through by Brian 'Mr Toad' Coleman), and the consequent embarrassment caused by the resulting leadership challenge - Coleman's Tories have yet another embarrassment.

According to The Guardian, a report to the Audit Committee has just ordered Barnet to come up (finally) with a business case for the savage cuts they are planning to inflict on our services - including selling our libraries and sacking the wardens in our sheltered housing.

But hang on a minute, you may be thinking. This is Coleman and Co's flagship policy. Have they really failed to even get a business case for it?

I'm afraid so.

In the interests of fairness however, I should point out that although they may not have a business case of any kind, they are in possession of bags and bags of Thatcherite dogma. Will that do?

Understandably, the unions and Barnet's residents are more than a little furious about having their services cut simply to satisfy Coleman's Thatcherite urges. They had
a successful meeting last night of around 200 angry people determined to mount a campaign against Coleman's monstrous foolishness (Click the link and scroll down for information about the next of these meeting).

And yet, in the
Barnet Times, Brian 'no business case' Coleman has called them: "a complete shambles" and "a group of no hopers".

So what has all this got to do with Sigmund Freud and his theory of Freudian projection? Well, Wikipedia helpfully
explains that an example of Freudian projection might be "...blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and redirect their libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another."

Far be it from me to suggest that Fruedian projection is at the root of Coleman's behaviour of course. Its not as if he's going around accusing other people of being odious toads or anything.

Oh, hang on a minute...

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

The wisdom of Brian Coleman. An open letter to councillors.

With Barnet's Tories to vote on the leadership contest tonight, here is an open letter, published in full, from their former Chairman:

Dear Councillors

Many years ago, when I was Chairman of Chipping Barnet Conservative Association, I dared to criticise Brian Coleman who was supporting the first of Lynne Hillan’s failed attempts to become leader of the council.

Cllr Coleman saw me walking in the street and stopped his car for a quiet chat (this was in the days before his driving ban when taxpayers subsequently had to provide him with taxis). Speaking in the understated manner that we have all come to know and love, and with only the very slightest finger gesticulation, our Brian told me clearly and unequivocally: “In order to rebuild, you must first destroy”.

Like Hovis, the words of Brian Coleman are as good for you today as they have always been.

As you embark on yet another leadership election, ask yourself this. Are you happy that, save for one notable exception, you have brought the Conservative Party into disrepute? Do you think loyal party members will be impressed that you have reduced Barnet Council to a laughing stock?

It is no good blaming inexperience or alleged bullying tactics employed by certain individuals. You are grown adults, not children, and you are all quite capable of thinking for yourself. You know the difference between right and wrong and even if you had only been a councillor for five minutes, you knew that the decision to hike allowances for Lynne Hillan and her cronies was morally wrong and indefensible, yet you voted for it anyway.

You have let down the public who elected you to office, as well as all the hard working volunteer members of your associations who gave their time and money freely to support your campaign.

Unless you want to see the Conservatives wiped out in 2014 along with your own political ambitions, you have to do what Brian Coleman said all those years ago. Destroy the old and rebuild.

Yours sincerely

David Miller


Thursday, 2 September 2010

Brian Coleman's expenses mistake?

No doubt, when you have as many expense accounts as Brian 'Mr Toad' Coleman, it can be tricky to keep track of them all. Doubly so I'm sure, when you're in receipt of as many freebies as he is.

I suspect therefore, that the apparent double-dipping I have been alerted to by a public spirited contibutor is simply a genuine mistake - caused by the genuine difficulties inherent in keeping track of so much freely available cash and so much free feasting.

First there's this, from the LFEPA register of gifts and hospitality: Then, there's this, from Brian Coleman's expenses at LFEPA:
I feel sure that Mr Toad will wish to explain himself at the earliest opportunity. No doubt, if it is a simple mistake, he will croak a heartfelt apology. Perhaps, if that happens, we shall even witness a really extraordinary event - Mr Toad opening his wallet to pay the money back!